Mi español imperfecto. Septemebr 20, 2014

Este noche mi novio y yo leímos el Libro de Mormón juntos. No pensamos acerca de hablar, entonces leímos. Nunca tengo leer el Libro de Mormón. Estoy muy feliz porque tratamos juntos. Soy un miembro do la iglesia de Jesucristo de los santos de los últimos días. Yo voy a leer mis escrituras para que pueda ser feliz y fuerte cada día. Mi vida es muy loco y ocupado , necesito mi Salvador. Yo sé que las escrituras so una puerta a mi Salvador. Yo sé que El puede hacerme feliz y perfecto. Yo sé que tengo muchas personas en vida, como Garrett, quien que son ángulos a mi. Todo el mundo es especiales a Jesucristo y yo. Amo mi iglesia. Yo sé que las escrituras son cierto.

Some Rhymes 4 You - September 29, 2014

My Sweet Garrett,
I'd like to once say thank you, again. 
The way you love me is that of a most trusted friend:
Your smirk is subtle but your eyes are wide,
You feel sad when you discover not my secrets, but the reasons I hide. 
The patience you smother me in is like sweet honey,
Your laugh is energizing whether or not I'm actually funny.
Most of all you're the best friend that I've ever had,
Whatever I did for God to deserve you I'm sure glad. 

A poem I wrote:
"Dear God,
Bless the pavement that he walks at day,
Chase all of his bad dreams to go away.
Grant every hunger to be fed,
Cause that warmth may encircle his bed.
Have every question unfold itself,
with answers that duel the presence of hell.
Help him come to know the nature of YOU,
Hold his hand always, through and through.
Calm the wakes of every wave,
Satisfy the roots of righteous craves.
Sing the notes of every song,
That harmonize words to push him on.
My deepest wish is for him to know,
That he is everything that I could ask for in a man."

I don't know if verses of poetry that rhyme make much sense to you, but I hope you can pay attention to the way you feel. I hope that when you read whatever I try to write that you come closer to understanding how much I love you. 

1000 Words I that I don't Need to Say - September 28, 2014

Pictures are said to be worth 1000 words, but this one is worth all the words I could ever hope to say.

I love you.

30 Reason Why I Love Garrett Thomas Hamilton. - September 25, 2014

1. Your smile. Seriously, I couldn't ask for something more effulgent, and perfect. It's so big, expressive and perfectly shows off your beautiful teeth!
2. Your patience. I've seen this wonderful quality in action with yourself, others, different situations, but most of all with me. You never make me feel stupid as you carefully love me and teach me. 
3. Dude you car is really rad. Although your sweet ride is not the reason that I'm swearing my loyalty to you, it's a definite bonus;)
4. How you can dance!!! This is UNBELIEVABLY attractive. You can dance to anything... your body is always so in synch with the music booming behind you and you smile the entire time. 
5. How you get nervous. I remember on our first date you told me you could play piano. I asked you to play something for me and you did. I giggled as I saw your hands shake. Garrett, I think this shows me that you are thoughtful and humble.
6. Your laugh. I actually really like the way it sounds! I like how it always ends with a gasp for air because you invest your whole breathe to those moments of joy. Its always contagious. 
7. You speak spanish!!! I had always hoped I'd marry somebody who spoke spanish, but I thought that was a long shot. Not only do you speak spanish, but you served in Argentina!!! You are making my dreams a reality dude. 
8. The way you dress. It's just right. You always look put together and handsome. Although I still hope you let me take ya shopping, I'm not taking you because I am unhappy with how you look. You look so hot in V-necks. I love the shoes you wear. I LOVE it when you wear jeans. Man...
9. How thoughtful you are. Your carefulness to plan things, say things and love me makes me feel like a queen. One moment I remember this trait so vividly was when you planned a picnic for us. As i turned to look in the back of your car our meal was carefully packed into a lunch bag and the blanket was perfectly folded and placed on the seat. That same day you surprised me with a mix CD that was full of songs that were a part of our friendship, that were mushy and cute, that were from our favorite movie and that made me happy. 
10. The way you are engaged in all that you do. How you raise your hand to share your thoughts in Sunday School. How you played sports growing up. How you danced and sang in high school. 
11. How you make people around you feel. You always try to find common ground with everyone you talk to and I think you do this to help them feel like you care. They feel comfortable enough to keep talking to ya and I've noticed that people smile as they get to talk to you. 
12. I've never heard you say something mean or unnecessary about others. Seriously. You always are considerate of everybody and that is evident in the way you talk about them.
13. The way you keep some things personal. As I've come to really get to know  you, you've only told me a few intimate things about yourself that I'm pretty sure you haven't told anybody else. Your carefulness to share these treasures has made me feel important and trusted. Thank you. 
14. The way you and I always have so much fun together. We laugh like all the time. We can make anything fun. Whether its a trip to Wal-Mart or a Paramore concert doesn't matter, I can always count on having a lot of fun with you.
15. The way you are uber cheesy. Your love is so tender and genuine. I love that you want to journal our love story. I love that when you asked me to be your girlfriend you gave me a bracelet you bought from your mission. I love the way you slow dance with me. I love that you text me as soon as you wake up. 
16. How you take such good care of yourself. The way your long hours spent at the gym sculpt your muscles. The way you cut your own hair. The way you never smell weird... hehe ;)
17. The way you lose yourself in the spirit as you honestly intend the best for us. Your honest insight of important matters is always entwined with the gospel. You don't even think about what to say sometimes because I think your spirit is so willing to trust the Lord's will. 
18. How you kiss me. There are so many different ways to kiss me: romantically, carefully, lightly, kinda sexy sometimes and maybe even a little silly. This expression of our love is intimate and special to me. I love that I get to have you all to myself. I'm so lucky.
19. The way you are careful with your hands when you kiss me. This may sound weird... but I know that you always pull my shirt to cover my skin. You aren't like every other guy who would slide their hand in places where they shouldn't be, even if it primarily an accident. I know that you respect me.
20. The way you say you know the words to songs and you kinda don't :) This always makes me giggle. You always listen for the last word in the sentence and then you sing that last word louder than the rest. Whenever you do this it makes me feel like you are trying to impress me. Makes me feel somebody worth impressing.
21. Your relationship with your family. You love them so much. I know you do. You spend time with and look up to Jason. You give Katelyn blessings and tell me about her roommate drama. The way you and your mom visit and talk about everything. The way you talk so kindly and gently about Jocelyn. The way you want to be like your dad and how you value his insight. The way you love them makes me confident in our future family.
22. The way you always listen. I can tell you anything. I can always count on you responding appropriately. You laugh when I tell you about my crazy roommates and you apologize when life makes me cry. 
23. Your arms. Holy cow. So hot. So sexy. So toned. So defined. So strong. And I'm lucky enough to be enclosed in them whenever you hug me. 
24. The way you dream and hope. You are so innocent with the way you desire for good things in your life. You giggle and get so excited whenever we talk about our future together. 
25. How you are so quick to just believe in faith. The details and logistics of our relationship never outweigh the excitement of loving each other. How we figure things out doesn't matter as much because no matter what we do we get to be together. And I think thats what matters most to you. 
26. You cleanliness. Both temporally and morally. You take care of things like you car, your apartment and yourself. But you also nurture your spirit by the way you avoid things that are not right and how you never swear. 
27. Your sensitivity. I love that you let yourself feel emotions, but you always do it with the intention to remain positive. You are the master of your own heart, but that doesn't mean your heart isn't big.
28. Your eyes. They change from brown to hazel to green. They are beautiful. I get to look inside them forever.
29. Your ambition towards hard work. You always conquer whatever is asked of you: long days at work, your determination towards school, the intensity of your workouts and in your career.
30. The way you love me. So selflessly. 

WHY. - September 24ish... 25, 2014

WHY???

Kelsey, didn't you just explain how you are going to, and want to, be more open to change in your LAST post? 

Kelsey, didn't you decide that Garrett's love is worth all these changes your going to make in your LAST post?

Kelsey, didn't you and Garrett agree that these, "sacrifices", are actually blessings just LAST night? 

The answer to all of those questions:Yes.

Garrett, I'm sorry I am of such little faith.

Lately, you've been calling me a thinker because of this dilemma. 

In a weird sort of way, I smirk whenever you call me this. I get a sick sort of pleasure out of this recognition. 

I hope to explain maybe WHY I think so much.

I believe there are a few reasons WHY.

I was told:

"Kelsey, you have been with a special ability to love and care..."

My heart tends to really invest itself. I instinctively swear my diligence and loyalty to something or somebody that I feel confident in. 

But feeling anything always seems to be complicated. 

There is always a risk involved.

 Passion may blaze brightly with the risk of blinding and burning me. Love can pound fervently in my heart with the risk of being ruptured. 

Trust can be found as easily as it can be broken. 

Like you've recognized. I've had a lot of experience. Good and bad. 

Sadly, the bad experiences seem to be more vivid instead of the good ones. 

Trusting entails ALOT of risk. 

I don't consciously decide to hesitate, Garrett. 

My heart will not open until my mind tells it to. My mind will not send that signal until my heart feels secure. I will not feel secure until my mind has seen evidence. 

Evidence is not faith and I know that, but I have to be selfish when it comes to my trust.

A lot of people have walked out of my life. 

I didn't push them away, in fact, I've begged to repair broken friendships and I've cried because of nonexistent family members. 

I need you to love me harder. 

If you want my trust, I'm sorry, my mind needs time full of evidence. 

I love you.

I do. 

I love you, but I'm a fool for you. 

I am gaining so much from the changes ahead of me, but I hope I can come to understand and become confident in all of the benefits. 

While a fool does not ask questions, an investor investigates. 

Please hold my hand as my heart investigates. 

Your patience is a blessing. You are a blessing.

i hope my honesty doesn't make you question you're value and importance to me. 

If anything my honesty should be evidence. 

EVIDENCE THAT I KNOW THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT.

I love you, Garrett. 

THANK YOU. September 23, 2014

Hi.

My name is Kelsey Rose Banner. 

I rode my bike back up to the library just after getting home because I had to reassure that I wrote to my best friend today. 

Garrett, you mentioned something the other day. I don't remember the exact context or wording, but you said something along the lines of how you almost passed me up. (In reference of how we went on our first date... and then it took us a whole two months to go on another date, while duly noting that we did not talk once during those two months.)

It hit me. 

I gave up on you after our first date because communication was scarce. I figured you were just being sympathetic taking me out on our first date, so I wasn't surprised when we didn't keep in touch. Because of my fast-paced life I got over you kind of fast; no offense my love. And i was COMPLETELY caught off guard when you texted me again. I was shocked.

"What does this kid want?", I thought as I read your name after scanning the text. 

I figured you thought I was easy action or just really nice. I assumed you were only talking to me because you wanted something from me. 

Little did I know that it would only take two more dates to realize that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

And now it's my turn. I want something from you. 

I want you to know that my heart screams THANK YOU. 

Whatever it was that inclined you to text me randomly two months after our first date I am eternally indebted to. I am thankful for the confidence and faith you have in other people that persuaded you to give me another shot. I am thankful that you took the time to remember me while i was so quick to discard you. 

I only moved on so quickly because I didn't want to let myself get hurt. 

But Garrett, seriously. 

THANK YOU. 

"I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you".

Remember my little emotional breakdown last night? How I was being a baby and I was kinda being a jerk talking about how I have to move, switch schools, and pretty much rearrange my life for you. 

In response you said,

"Idk I wish I could have a better reason and way to help you with the sacrifice you will have to make, but I just have my love for you :/"

As I've been thinking a little more about what you said today, I listen to the music playing in my headphones:

"Spring has come 

Love is here can't you see 

Like the autumn leaves 

Bring me to the spring 

Show me how to love someone"

Seasons change and there is so much life and growth that thrives because of all the changes. In these coming months, I'm going to make changes too and I get to be loved by you. 

And I know that's enough. Although I may struggle to remember that, I hope that you may lovingly remind me that these changes are whats going to allow us to be together. 

I know that I will not me alone as I move forward because I have you in my life. And i have you in my life all because you decided to text me again. 

Thank you Garrett. 

The Prayer that REALLY Started Our Forever. - September 22, 2014

In my mortal life I've experienced, and still wrestle with, doubts. Whether they have been planted into my heart by my own doings or thrusted upon myself by the hand life dealt me, they are inevitable. 

But there is opposition in all things. 

As the surety of doubt echoes it's presence in my life, knowledge continues to sing. 

I'd like to set the scene. I hope that my audience may be mindful and sensitive about what I am going to publish. Although I hesitate to choose the right words, may the Spirit amplify whatever my human fingers type. 

Yes, it started with Garrett and I being alone in a bedroom. This was NOT the smartest environment to situate ourselves in because well we're attracted to each other. As we realized this, we stopped and tried to talk things out. 

Why is it that every time he and I get to spend a weekend together we seem to have the same conversation?

"We need to be more careful", "This scares me", "Our goal is the temple", "Garrett, I just want to be a good girl". 

Kissing each other isn't a bad thing. 

It's the length we let it take us that can become dangerous. 

The creases in my forehead began to become more prevalent as I realized that we were having this conversation AGAIN. I was so conflicted within myself. I KNEW that I shouldn't have even let us be in the situation that we were in, but there was still a part of me begging for more. Garrett was trying his best to usher the conversation the way that it normally went, but I think he and I could both tell that it was rehearsed and that merely talking about it wasn't enough anymore. 

We needed something more than just an honest conversation. I know that I needed to persuade myself that our attraction and how we expressed it wasn't healthy anymore for the stage of the relationship that we're in. 

"Let's say a prayer", Garrett said. 

I was surprised by this remark. It seemed so simple, yet it was the perfect thing to say. 

So I agreed only if Garrett would offer the prayer. 

This prayer wasn't only to help us to want to become more responsible physically, but also to aid me in telling my parents in the coming week about Garrett and I. You see my parents didn't, and still don't know, how serious Garrett and I are. I was overwhelmed at the idea of actually being honest with my parents. 

I felt like they'd assume that I was being naive to want to marry Garrett just after a month of dating. I felt like they'd bring up mistakes that I've made and that they'd tell me I wasn't ready. 

I didn't want to tell my parents. 

As Garrett prayed, I remember my heart RACING. It was pounding so hard inside my chest and I knew it was the Spirit bearing witness to me that It was with us. I carefully listened as Garrett prayed. 

*The wording may be a little off, but here's my best shot*

"May Kelsey be blessed with comfort as she tries to explain to her parents in the coming week about us. May your Spirit be with her and help her."

The almost painful drumming of my anxious heart softened as he spoke those words. 

I. FELT. COMFORTED. 

He continued praying only for a short little while. After he finished, we knelt in silence. My eyebrows burrowed deep into my face as I was trying to pay attention to how I was feeling. 

I opened my eyes and found Garrett's hazel gaze on me. 

"Ok, my turn," I said. 

I shifted my position to liken how I always prayed. 

Tears trickled before I even began. I was overwhelmed in emotion. 

I began by apologizing for how I've neglected my Father in Heaven the past few days. I invited His spirit to be with us; both in the room as we prayed, and in our relationship. I explained to my Father that this relationship and it's success is something that I WANT. I expressed my love for Garrett, but I asked for help. I asked that I may be aided as I try to share the desires of my heart with my beloved parents. I asked that both my parents and I may discard things of the past that are no longer important. I asked that their hearts may be open. 

There have only been a few prayers that mattered so much to me, and this one IS one of them.

Garrett, when I opened my eyes I looked into yours. My tears were reflected in those of your own. 

"Garrett, I think this is really going to happen for us."

I KNOW THAT THE SPIRIT WAS WITH US. 

I believe in agency. I believe what we want is a wonderful thing. 

I didn't feel like an angelic YES, but I feel that it's presence is enough.

Remember Sam? He's the guy that I dated for a really long time. I almost married him.

I remember praying for direction about the relationship I had with Sam. It was either get married or call it quits. I wanted to do the right thing, so I thought praying for approval was the next thing to do. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven countless times seeking a definite answer, but I felt nothing. As I look in  hindsight on my entire relationship with Sam, I feel like I always knew the answer to my prayer. And it was no, but because I convinced myself that I was in love with him marriage felt like the right thing. I'd tell myself that marriage isn't a bad thing, so even though I wasn't feeling approval I was gonna marry him anyways. 

Heavenly Father knew that I knew His answer to my prayer, so He didn't make the effort to testify it to me.

I ignored what I was REALLY feeling and went forth with the whole marriage thing. I was lucky enough to not have gotten carried away in this notion, but it drove a wedge between my parents and I. It was hard to feel the Spirit. And in the end my heart was shattered. It wasn't only because I broke up with Sam, but because my choices affected my faith, my plans, the trust between my parents and IT CHANGED MY ENITRE PLANNED COURSE OF ACTION AHEAD OF ME. Not only did I switch universities, but I had to switch who held my heart. Instead of being the bearer of my own heart, the Savior became my shepherd. 

Feeling the Spirit the way I did with you Garrett is a testament to me that Heavenly Father trusts me to make my own decision. 

There are no doubts in my entire being when I say that my decision is YOU. 

I hope that in due time we'll marry each other. I hope that we may care for the love we have for each other with preciseness and joy. Although a part of me wishes t marry you RIGHT NOW, I know that what my dad shared with me is true:

Patience is the key and Love is the door. 

Good night, my love.

My Everything. September 18, 2014

I hope my ticklish spots make you daydream of me,

So that when you’d close your eyes they’d see my face,

Painted with a welcoming smile and a warm embrace.

My arms would close with your body against mine,

As my hands would trace a picture upon your back,

And my love would grow from a question and become a matter of fact.

You can daydream of me, as long as I can love you.

You can kiss me however you want, as long as I can too.

You can push me away, but only when I let go.

But I’m still pulling you close cuz I never,

Ever, ever,

Wanna leave you alone.

I Promise You - September 17ish, 2014

First off don't let this picture freak you out.

But remember how you and I made a pinky promise? 

Although it was casually made in the back of your car, I hope that you know that I meant it.

I promised myself to you.

 I promised to do everything in my power to assure that things would work.

 I promised to be your best friend.

And after tonight, I can confidentially remind you of our pinky promise. 

Garrett you officially know every part of me, other than grumpy Kelsey in the mornings, but I've laid it all out for you:

my quirks, my giggles, my insecurities, my carnal cravings, my imperfections, my hopes, my dreams, my laughs, my tears, my fears, my ambitions, my intentions, my routines, and my heart. 

<3

Garrett, the question is no longer if I love you. The question is now when we want the whole world to know. 

I hope you understand what i tried to explain tonight. 

I wasn't trying to rush you into proposing this year. I wasn't trying to persuade you to propose in May either. To ME the timing will become the, "perfect timing", as we work to make it so. 

If we want to get married next week we could go out of our way to make it happen and there would definitely be difficulties found in that timing.

We could wait two more years and there would be trials found in the expanded timeline. 

My point is that OUR TIMING WILL NEVER BE PERFECT. 

THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS LIFETIME THAT IS PERFECT, other than our Savior :)

Our relationship will be what we make it. 

Things will work smoothly as we continue to communicate and considerate of  each other and our families. 

Things will suck if we aren't 100% honest and if we rush into things.

I don't care when you ask me to marry you. 

All that matters is that I know that i want to marry you. 

a wise blogger once wrote, 

"Once you know, you just know".   

Baby, I want to spend my life with you. I want my eternities to be rewarded to me with you by my side. I want wanna love ya forever like that. 

Let's get married when we want to.

I want to finish my sophomore year here in Cedar City, but I want to marry you with my academic career already in line.

I want to feel 100% confidant.

That's all that I ask.

So now you know that when those two things have been accomplished, 

YOU CAN ASK ME YOUR QUESTION.

And my answer will be yes. 

Actually, my answer will be: 

I love you.