In my mortal life I've experienced, and still wrestle with, doubts. Whether they have been planted into my heart by my own doings or thrusted upon myself by the hand life dealt me, they are inevitable.
But there is opposition in all things.
As the surety of doubt echoes it's presence in my life, knowledge continues to sing.
I'd like to set the scene. I hope that my audience may be mindful and sensitive about what I am going to publish. Although I hesitate to choose the right words, may the Spirit amplify whatever my human fingers type.
Yes, it started with Garrett and I being alone in a bedroom. This was NOT the smartest environment to situate ourselves in because well we're attracted to each other. As we realized this, we stopped and tried to talk things out.
Why is it that every time he and I get to spend a weekend together we seem to have the same conversation?
"We need to be more careful", "This scares me", "Our goal is the temple", "Garrett, I just want to be a good girl".
Kissing each other isn't a bad thing.
It's the length we let it take us that can become dangerous.
The creases in my forehead began to become more prevalent as I realized that we were having this conversation AGAIN. I was so conflicted within myself. I KNEW that I shouldn't have even let us be in the situation that we were in, but there was still a part of me begging for more. Garrett was trying his best to usher the conversation the way that it normally went, but I think he and I could both tell that it was rehearsed and that merely talking about it wasn't enough anymore.
We needed something more than just an honest conversation. I know that I needed to persuade myself that our attraction and how we expressed it wasn't healthy anymore for the stage of the relationship that we're in.
"Let's say a prayer", Garrett said.
I was surprised by this remark. It seemed so simple, yet it was the perfect thing to say.
So I agreed only if Garrett would offer the prayer.
This prayer wasn't only to help us to want to become more responsible physically, but also to aid me in telling my parents in the coming week about Garrett and I. You see my parents didn't, and still don't know, how serious Garrett and I are. I was overwhelmed at the idea of actually being honest with my parents.
I felt like they'd assume that I was being naive to want to marry Garrett just after a month of dating. I felt like they'd bring up mistakes that I've made and that they'd tell me I wasn't ready.
I didn't want to tell my parents.
As Garrett prayed, I remember my heart RACING. It was pounding so hard inside my chest and I knew it was the Spirit bearing witness to me that It was with us. I carefully listened as Garrett prayed.
*The wording may be a little off, but here's my best shot*
"May Kelsey be blessed with comfort as she tries to explain to her parents in the coming week about us. May your Spirit be with her and help her."
The almost painful drumming of my anxious heart softened as he spoke those words.
I. FELT. COMFORTED.
He continued praying only for a short little while. After he finished, we knelt in silence. My eyebrows burrowed deep into my face as I was trying to pay attention to how I was feeling.
I opened my eyes and found Garrett's hazel gaze on me.
"Ok, my turn," I said.
I shifted my position to liken how I always prayed.
Tears trickled before I even began. I was overwhelmed in emotion.
I began by apologizing for how I've neglected my Father in Heaven the past few days. I invited His spirit to be with us; both in the room as we prayed, and in our relationship. I explained to my Father that this relationship and it's success is something that I WANT. I expressed my love for Garrett, but I asked for help. I asked that I may be aided as I try to share the desires of my heart with my beloved parents. I asked that both my parents and I may discard things of the past that are no longer important. I asked that their hearts may be open.
There have only been a few prayers that mattered so much to me, and this one IS one of them.
Garrett, when I opened my eyes I looked into yours. My tears were reflected in those of your own.
"Garrett, I think this is really going to happen for us."
I KNOW THAT THE SPIRIT WAS WITH US.
I believe in agency. I believe what we want is a wonderful thing.
I didn't feel like an angelic YES, but I feel that it's presence is enough.
Remember Sam? He's the guy that I dated for a really long time. I almost married him.
I remember praying for direction about the relationship I had with Sam. It was either get married or call it quits. I wanted to do the right thing, so I thought praying for approval was the next thing to do. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven countless times seeking a definite answer, but I felt nothing. As I look in hindsight on my entire relationship with Sam, I feel like I always knew the answer to my prayer. And it was no, but because I convinced myself that I was in love with him marriage felt like the right thing. I'd tell myself that marriage isn't a bad thing, so even though I wasn't feeling approval I was gonna marry him anyways.
Heavenly Father knew that I knew His answer to my prayer, so He didn't make the effort to testify it to me.
I ignored what I was REALLY feeling and went forth with the whole marriage thing. I was lucky enough to not have gotten carried away in this notion, but it drove a wedge between my parents and I. It was hard to feel the Spirit. And in the end my heart was shattered. It wasn't only because I broke up with Sam, but because my choices affected my faith, my plans, the trust between my parents and IT CHANGED MY ENITRE PLANNED COURSE OF ACTION AHEAD OF ME. Not only did I switch universities, but I had to switch who held my heart. Instead of being the bearer of my own heart, the Savior became my shepherd.
Feeling the Spirit the way I did with you Garrett is a testament to me that Heavenly Father trusts me to make my own decision.
There are no doubts in my entire being when I say that my decision is YOU.
I hope that in due time we'll marry each other. I hope that we may care for the love we have for each other with preciseness and joy. Although a part of me wishes t marry you RIGHT NOW, I know that what my dad shared with me is true:
Patience is the key and Love is the door.
Good night, my love.
