Flashback.

I'm driving to Smith to pick up ingredients to make torta fritas. My mom had just given me the recipe and I was so excited. As I drive, I think of Garrett. 

I've been worried sick lately. Being engaged hasn't been the easiest thing for me. A lot of changes are being finalized, my future decided, SO many things to plan and on top of that Garrett and I are three hours apart. Miscommunications are bound to happen to any healthy couple, but amplify that by like five times because Garrett and I have hardly been talking compared to what we had before. I was quick to blame Garrett with my silent frustrations, I figured I was done growing up and that I was being patient enough. So all of these factors have been kinda tearing me inside out lately, and Garrett has been tasting the sour end of that. We didn't have one conversation this week where I didn't get grumpy. 

My mom told me she was going to withhold any future expenses for our wedding until we finalize things and figure them out. She didn't want to spend money if our wedding was going to work or last. 

I felt everyone's expectations eye me up and down. 

My mom has every right to tell me what she did. I understood, but i was also worried sick. I genuinely hoped for things to get better between Garrett and I, but if you were to ask me nothing was changing. As I was driving to Smith's, Meghan Trainor's new song blasted through my speakers:

"Like I'm Going To Lose You"

I found myself dreaming of
Silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows

We were walking on moonlight
And you held me close
Split second and you disappeared
And then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
And I'll make the most of the minutes
And love with no regrets

So let's take the time to say what we want
Here's what we got before it's all gone
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Hey
Whoa

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Yeah, yeah
Like I'm gonna lose you

My mind played out the extremity; the one where I lost Garrett. The details of whether the scenario in my head was me leaving him, or him leaving me didn't matter, what finally clicked was that I am not guaranteed that Garrett will want to stay in my life. 

That reality broke my heart. I cried and cried. 

I know that I have been hard to handle lately, yet Garett has patiently sought me through EVERY time. What if one day he decided that he was done with me because I didn't love him enough. My insides cringed because nothing I could say or do could MAKE him stay with me, I realized he'll stay with me right now because he wants to. We have no obligations yet. No kids. No finances. Just our love. 

Our love is enough. 

Our love is fragile. 

Because of me.

Because I'm fragile. 

I think all of the cliches in life always persuade us that true love is strong and that nothing can break it apart, but I'm coming to really understand the kind of world that we live in. Not everything is guaranteed. Not the love of our life's love in return. Not our tomorrows. Not out master plans. Most everything can change. 

So that's why, Garrett, I want to tell you that I know that our love is fragile. 

But it's OK. 

That's what hit me today. Our love can become weak, so we've gotta keep working for it. Keep loving each other. 

And I felt the strong impression to love you better. 

I've been pointing my fingers toward you... convincing myself that if only you would make all of these changes everything would be easier. 

But no, that's not true. 

I've got some changes to make. 

And THAT'S WHAT GOING TO MAKE US STRONGER. 

Here's what Kelsey pictures in her head:

Me + Garrett trying to hold a pane of glass above our heads. No matter what we try to do; we cannot change the consistency of the glass in our hands. It'll break if we aren't careful. We try to keep it as far away from the ground, where it'll demolish, as much as we can. Garrett is much stronger than me and can hold his half up above his head. I can launch the glass gripped in my hands above my head, but I cannot do it for long. I'm getting mad at Garrett, "Well if you wouldn't hold it so high it'd be better for the both of us". Garrett encourages me and tells me that I really can keep up. I don't believe him. The glass is getting closer and closer to the ground where it will shatter. While Garrett is doing his part to hold the glass it will break because I cannot support neither my side or him. Should I expect the glass to change? no. Should I ask Garrett to do more than he can? no. Should I strengthen myself to to become able to hold my part of the pane? yeah I should. 

So Garrett that weird scenario translates to this: I will love you better. I've got to. Our love is beautiful, but it cannot blossom on it's own or just with your faithful efforts. Our love needs me. 

And that's what you do when you love someone, you change. You grow. You work. You become better. 

So I promise you that, Garrett. I promise to make an conscious effort to love you more, better and completely. 

Sorry I have an emotional breakdown often, but i think it makes me smarter in the the end. So maybe you're glad that I have them too. 

:) 

I love you. 

Dear You.

My highs and lows are always so extreme,
and my heart gets caught somewhere in-between.
I'm trying and working my best, I really am,
but am I ready for the next step in Our Plan?

My mind keeps spinning: bad is good,
but good is bad and its important to be understood.
I want to love and be loved in return,
but I think there's something that I've yet to learn.

Because I know I need to trust a little more,
and maybe go knock on other people's door.
Learn to forgive, let go and forget.
And don't do anything that I'd come to regret.
Most of all, but most of all is start my day with You.

I thought I made enough room in my heart for him,
but he's nervous as he tries to settle, settle in.
I don't mean for such serious talk all the time,
but it's the only way to calm my storm deep inside.

Please don't be quick to look away,
Give me a chance and I'll make you want to stay.
Please smile for me cuz I need that smile my life,
I'll change my everything to walk a mile with you.

Because I know that I need to trust you a little more,
and maybe come knocking on your door.
Learn to forgive you, let go, but never forget
the good, the bad, the good.
But none of it I'd regret as long as my forever ends
with you.

Why We Need BandAids.

Sometimes we get hurt, right? Whether our pain was inflicted on purpose or by carelessness may not matter in the end of whatever it is, cuz we still hurt. 

Whether I'm bleeding because of a blister from my new shoes, like today lol, or because I'm bleeding because of a traumatic car crash, I still want RELIEF. 

Garrett, I know that we want our relationship to be perfect, but I know that we are human and we are bound to imperfection. Whenever I say something hurtful I never say it to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to be honest. 

Most of the time when I say I'm going to be blunt I bet you'd be safe to bet that 73% of the time I'm about to tell you something about you. 

GarBear if whatever I say is hurtful, inconsiderate or just plain wrong, allow me to try again or clarify. Because no matter what I ask of you, I don't want you to assume that I am the only one who ever gets their way. If i misunderstood something, help me understand. If you want to clarify something, make it clear. If you're hurt or, "bleeding", because of something i said or did, allow me to supply you with a bandaid. 

Let me supply you with RELIEF. 

I hope you will make room for me in your mind as you try to feel better. 

If whatever it is will take time to figure out and word, take as much time as you need. 

It is never too late to make our love stronger. 

I really appreciate whenever you are REALLY honest with me. I think I'm pretty lucky to love that part of you. I'm blessed to come to learn the mechanics of Garrett Thomas Hamilton's mind. 

Your mind is beautiful and intelligent. I know this because of how you have mastered smiling. I know your competence because of your willingness to work. i know your capabilities because of your attention to details. 

You've made me 2 of the best mix CDs of my entire life!! Both CDs are full of music that relates to US. I'm listening to it right now; it makes it easier to feel you close. 

This music can totally be considered as a bandaid to the uneasiness of the distance between us.

So look at that; you're already giving me bandaids :) 

Garrett I'm sorry for whatever I've said recently or in the past that didn't make you feel good. I'm still figuring things out I guess. I'm trying to better so that I can love you the best I can. 

That's why this blog is coming back baby :)

I LOVE YOU GARRETT. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDLESS AND PERFECT PATIENCE. 

It's your kind of quickness to love and understand that has changed my life. 

I mean I've found my husband haven't I?

<3/ Kelsey Rose Hamilton