Flashback.

I'm driving to Smith to pick up ingredients to make torta fritas. My mom had just given me the recipe and I was so excited. As I drive, I think of Garrett. 

I've been worried sick lately. Being engaged hasn't been the easiest thing for me. A lot of changes are being finalized, my future decided, SO many things to plan and on top of that Garrett and I are three hours apart. Miscommunications are bound to happen to any healthy couple, but amplify that by like five times because Garrett and I have hardly been talking compared to what we had before. I was quick to blame Garrett with my silent frustrations, I figured I was done growing up and that I was being patient enough. So all of these factors have been kinda tearing me inside out lately, and Garrett has been tasting the sour end of that. We didn't have one conversation this week where I didn't get grumpy. 

My mom told me she was going to withhold any future expenses for our wedding until we finalize things and figure them out. She didn't want to spend money if our wedding was going to work or last. 

I felt everyone's expectations eye me up and down. 

My mom has every right to tell me what she did. I understood, but i was also worried sick. I genuinely hoped for things to get better between Garrett and I, but if you were to ask me nothing was changing. As I was driving to Smith's, Meghan Trainor's new song blasted through my speakers:

"Like I'm Going To Lose You"

I found myself dreaming of
Silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows

We were walking on moonlight
And you held me close
Split second and you disappeared
And then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
And I'll make the most of the minutes
And love with no regrets

So let's take the time to say what we want
Here's what we got before it's all gone
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Hey
Whoa

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Yeah, yeah
Like I'm gonna lose you

My mind played out the extremity; the one where I lost Garrett. The details of whether the scenario in my head was me leaving him, or him leaving me didn't matter, what finally clicked was that I am not guaranteed that Garrett will want to stay in my life. 

That reality broke my heart. I cried and cried. 

I know that I have been hard to handle lately, yet Garett has patiently sought me through EVERY time. What if one day he decided that he was done with me because I didn't love him enough. My insides cringed because nothing I could say or do could MAKE him stay with me, I realized he'll stay with me right now because he wants to. We have no obligations yet. No kids. No finances. Just our love. 

Our love is enough. 

Our love is fragile. 

Because of me.

Because I'm fragile. 

I think all of the cliches in life always persuade us that true love is strong and that nothing can break it apart, but I'm coming to really understand the kind of world that we live in. Not everything is guaranteed. Not the love of our life's love in return. Not our tomorrows. Not out master plans. Most everything can change. 

So that's why, Garrett, I want to tell you that I know that our love is fragile. 

But it's OK. 

That's what hit me today. Our love can become weak, so we've gotta keep working for it. Keep loving each other. 

And I felt the strong impression to love you better. 

I've been pointing my fingers toward you... convincing myself that if only you would make all of these changes everything would be easier. 

But no, that's not true. 

I've got some changes to make. 

And THAT'S WHAT GOING TO MAKE US STRONGER. 

Here's what Kelsey pictures in her head:

Me + Garrett trying to hold a pane of glass above our heads. No matter what we try to do; we cannot change the consistency of the glass in our hands. It'll break if we aren't careful. We try to keep it as far away from the ground, where it'll demolish, as much as we can. Garrett is much stronger than me and can hold his half up above his head. I can launch the glass gripped in my hands above my head, but I cannot do it for long. I'm getting mad at Garrett, "Well if you wouldn't hold it so high it'd be better for the both of us". Garrett encourages me and tells me that I really can keep up. I don't believe him. The glass is getting closer and closer to the ground where it will shatter. While Garrett is doing his part to hold the glass it will break because I cannot support neither my side or him. Should I expect the glass to change? no. Should I ask Garrett to do more than he can? no. Should I strengthen myself to to become able to hold my part of the pane? yeah I should. 

So Garrett that weird scenario translates to this: I will love you better. I've got to. Our love is beautiful, but it cannot blossom on it's own or just with your faithful efforts. Our love needs me. 

And that's what you do when you love someone, you change. You grow. You work. You become better. 

So I promise you that, Garrett. I promise to make an conscious effort to love you more, better and completely. 

Sorry I have an emotional breakdown often, but i think it makes me smarter in the the end. So maybe you're glad that I have them too. 

:) 

I love you.